Thursday, May 14, 2015

Please Don't Fart on the Dog!!!!

When I was single and had no children, my mom used to tell me stories of my brother's crazy antics growing up. She would always end by saying, "Just wait till you have kids". In the back of my mind I'm thinking, my kids are going to be perfectly, well mannered, loving, and full of God's Grace. They will never aggravate, annoy, argue, or make a mess of any kind.

I was so disillusioned and naive. . . 

Here are just a few of the things I find myself telling my boys, weekly, if not everyday. 

Do not sniff the dogs butt.

The whole roll of toilet paper does not go in the toilet at one time. 

Do not pee under the trampoline.

Please keep your clothes on, we have guests.

The toothpaste does not belong on the walls.

No attempting to ride your skate board down the stairs.

Please do not eat the dog's food, it's almost dinner time.

Ice Cream is not an acceptable breakfast food.

Shampoo + Soap + Conditioner = a shower not a science experiment. 

Do not use shaving cream as shampoo!

Please do not plant dandelions in my garden. 

Butter is not to be eaten as a snack.

Do not twerk on the side of the road waving your pumpkin in the air at the pumpkin stand. 

Fruit snacks do not make your socks non-skid.

Please do not use the entire tube of hair gel in one sitting. 

Do not stare at me in the middle of the night till I wake up and then yell I CAN'T FIND MY SHIRT!!!

Do not chase your brother with a blade of grass. You know he abhors the color green. 

The floor is not your trash can!

Please chew your food in a timely manner. Six hours to eat a bite of steak is not an acceptable time line.

Mustard is not shampoo!!

Do not fart on the dog. He doesn't like it!

Please do not bring in every bug known to man in the house. 

Please tell me when your imaginary friend is a soda can so I won't throw it away causing horrible emotional trauma. 

Goldfish crackers belong in your mouth not up your nose. 

The fluff in the pillows is to stay in the pillows. It is not snow. 

So, what things have you told your kids NOT to do this week?


  1. To make sure he gets his chores done and cleans his room.

  2. Boys, gotta love 'em. I have had 1 phone call with each of my grown boys and I told them both I am proud of them and that I love them.

  3. Do NOT try to snort milk throu your nose-!

  4. Now that's one they haven't tried . . . . YET!

  5. LOL - having two boys this made me laugh so hard! Some days I feel like all I do is turn around, see what my kids are doing and scream NO!

  6. When my daughter was young she did her share but these two give me a run for my money some days!

  7. I feel your pain haha! I feel like I tell my son things on the daily that are so ridiculous I can't imagine them coming out of my mouth - but they do!

  8. My kid is far from perfect, but thankfully we've had a pretty good week! But I have definitely been there and done that!

  9. Bahahaha. Those are cracking me up! My kids would totally chase each other with grass.

  10. OH BOY does that list sound familiar!! This week the neighbor's kid brought a glass jar to my house. He and my kiddo were bug hunting. The neighbor shattered the glass on the sidewalk. I told my kid to stay away so I could get the broom and clean it up. What does he do? RUBS HIS HANDS in it like finger paint .... I sure hope he learned a lesson! (And I'm glad my husband was home to deal with the bloody hands.)

  11. Hahahaha! The joy of motherhood! I have three girls but I can relate... the floor is not your personal closet... spices go in the dish not all over the floor... experiments are wonderful but please don't use my most expensive ingredients... I love that you want to design and sew a dress but please ask me for help before you start cutting up random pieces of fabric... :-)

  12. oh stomach is sore from laughing so hard.....brought me back in time to when my boys were young and doing similar stupid things and driving me crazy......thanks so much for the good laugh.....I needed it. Still smiling in Winnipeg.

    1. I'm glad we can put a smile on your face!! They definitely keep me on my toes.

  13. Bahahaha! I just recently said - please do not put your sister in a chokehold!


I love comments!!! I will try to reply to your comments. But please be patient. I have three kiddos in the house and sometimes I am a tad preoccupied.